Hair, especially long hair, is a strange thing. For me, it provided a sense of comfort and pride- I had the patience to take care of it, to let it keep growing even in the summer when it trapped heat. On days when I felt completely unattractive, I used my hair as something of a security blanket and used it to mask whatever insecurities I was actually feeling. On top of all of this, it had been with me for so long- through two lengthy relationships, four years of college, incredibly wonderful times, dark days, and everything in between. There were years of memories, some I wanted to hold on to, others I would gladly block, all bound up in my hair.
More practically, in the winter, it served as a scarf to warm my neck; in summer, sun protection for my head. There were people who knew me by my hair before we ever spoke.
That said, finally finding the balls to make an appointment to chop it off and actually following through was a major, terrifying decision.
Now, after it's been gone for nearly a month, I'm still having mixed feelings. Some mornings, all I want to do is hop out of bed, pull my hair back and be done with it, but that's not an option. For one thing, it sticks up at all angles, but not in the cute, funky way. I know that a lot of people pay good money for that look, but it's just not for me.
Further, I feel that having my hair cut short takes away from my looking feminine without effort. Before, I was able to throw on my men's flannel shirt, baggy jeans, and boots and just walk out the door still looking distinctly female. I feel like this has changed, as I've already been confused for a male student or as a random male in a store a couple of times. Comments on my resemblance to Justin Bieber were fine the first few times, especially since I dressed as him for Halloween, but now it's just frustrating and annoying. My facial features haven't changed. I still have breasts. I try to keep my flannel and Doc Martens combo to a minimum. So why am I mistaken for high school-age boys on a fairly regular basis? I could go off into all sorts of gender and sexuality issues, but for the sake of this entry, I'll spare you.
What this all comes down to is my own perception of myself now. Do I feel different? To be honest, yes. Yes I do. Some days, I legitimately miss my hair. Do I regret cutting it? No. This has been and continues to be a learning experience. I now know at that I can rock short hair and that cutting it isn't entirely a bad thing. In some way, it's helped me become more comfortable with myself while simultaneously making me more self-aware. I've found myself dressing "better" (meaning, not in a sweatshirt every day), mostly to try to avoid being mistaken for a boy.
I haven't yet decided whether or not to grow it back again. However, I do want to wait until I'm entirely comfortable with my appearance as it is now so that I don't just grow it back to hide anything.
